colorful pasts&secret intentions

• 2010-08-12

  Gasping for breath in this sea of loneliness. Oh, I thought it was bad before. What I have in these palms, what was handed to me, is pain&ultimate betrayal. The one I trusted most took full advantage, sucked me into her manipulative whirlwind of pure lies. Let me tell you, I believe in the truth above all else. Was I blind? Or naive for ignoring all the warnings? You all don’t see it the way do. I LIVED through that, you hear things, you think you know everything. You THINK you know what I WANT, what I NEED, what’s best for ME. How could you possibly know that when you are all blindfolded? Kick me out, I’ll surf couches, I’ll sleep in my car. I’ll find my ways around because I don’t have a support system, never have. I raised myself&I’m taking this world on by myself. How could you do that to someone you love? One parent chooses booze over his children. While the other says she knows what’s best, so she throws me out? I’m not a good enough sister to stand up for? What is family? It’s nothing, because I’ve never had one of those. My heart has been shattered from so many angles. I got CHEATED on&lied to. I planned my life w “the girl of my dreams”, hell yeah I’m pissed. I’m angry, I’m confused. I didn’t do ANYTHING wrong. I don’t deserve this. Deception layered upon deception. I deserve better, I do know that much. Now I have no home, I don’t belong anywhere. I just want to drive as far as my piece of shit car will take me.

• 2010-07-22

  Nothing, Yet Something.

  I handed my world over one day, back then,
  W no hesitation.
  
  She destroyed it, w everything inside of her
  W the intention to rip apart whoever I was.
  
  Here I am, all shiny&new,
  Ready to take on the world for what it’s worth.
  
  There are the times when I feel I must live
  A secret life because I don’t want to lose this game.
  
  The one time I don’t feel like an object in their eyes
  &I shatter my chances.
  
  Hopeless&alone, I guess this really is my own battle.
  The only fight set up now, is my own.
  
  I don’t have regrets, because that would only mean
  I’m not strong enough to accept my flaws.
  
  Although, there is one more thing I could give
  &that’s my everything, my all.
  
  … Too late, game over.

• 2010-07-21

  I never knew I could be this angry because I’m out of creamer. For some reason, I think coffee can fix everything in my life. Make everything bright&beautiful when I’m blind from the truth. Yet, aware that it’s there. This town is all so familiar, I love it. My heart will forever be here, but there is so much more out there in the world for me to see. When will I see it? There is this past me, what I used to be… Then there was the “me” that lasted only when I felt so loved. I thought maybe I found my balance, found this piece of me to free. While still hanging on to everything that has created me. Which way do I turn? It’s so lonely trying to be independent, trying to be a free soul. Are we meant to belong w another being? It tears us up in so many ways, it feels so worth it. Yet, morally there are so many things wrong w these sinful emotions. I keep changing&so do you.

• 2010-07-18

  you inspire me averee! and i love you. i’m never gonna stop loving you.

  I know you won’t… I will always love you Ash.

  Ask me what you will.

• 2010-07-11

  Insomnia (Apologies for lack of…)

  I’m not sure who that was, who that is, who they will be. I’m not sure if I want this soul or a new one. I wish you could just buys those. Walk into a soul dealership, trade your worn, tattered soul for a fresh one that smells like heaven. I don’t want to be gray, but I do want to have the ability, just the oppurtunity to hold onto one shade at a time. My eyes spinning around my head, don’t focus on one color. Your eyes are shut&this is when loneliness seeps into the depths of me. Why am I your skin? I’m not. I don’t want to be, I just want to be the air around you. The wind. I come&go, just long enough to last until next time. I’m lost, falling down this well once again. To resurface? To fall again, over,&over…

  Why does the pressure fall on me? I’m the youngest of the 4, yet I’m left to deal w the mess. That’s how it’s always been I s’pose. So here I go again. When will the good change find it’s way back? It’s here, but it’s not. What’s good to me, is not to you. I don’t even know who you are.

• 2010-04-14

  Dream of Despair

               These walls built around me, conceal images of your beauty. Awaiting the crash, coming down on my weak self, as the waves strike sand. Cower in pity. Yearning for your voice, your touch. Caressing the silhouette of your face, before eyelids shut&I’m deliriously in love. Alone. I feel you departing, as this waking being finds reality, it’s true nightmare. This demon pulls my strings like I hopeless puppet. Murder shall bring forth upon itself, as you are against the law of nature. You have brought hell to the surface.

• →

  Rain

           Fighting the ocean falling from the sky, grey clouds above us. Rain drops slide from one end of the windshield to the other, w all the force&energy they have. Vigorously coming down on my world. I restrain my own ocean of tears, yet feeling the pain deep into my core. The shattered pieces of my soul collide, crashing together at full momentum. As my heart beats faster, my speed increases. Blind in the night, this view is a fog. I blend into nature,unnoticed. My bones trembles, goose bumps arise on my cold, pale skin. I don’t want to surrender this battle alone. In every aspect except one, I can fight this myself. Stand by my side, guide me through the dark. I’ll make it to freedom, taking you w me. We’re in this together. Hold my hand, we’ll make it through. This drive will soon be over.

• →

  Opposites Poem - for class

  Ashamed of giving up when my conscious lost color

  Proud of climbing out of that deep well, to reach the light above

  Ashamed of the phantom I was, where I was headed

  Proud of who I’ve become, following my aspirations

  Ashamed of not standing up for that weak soul, who I once was

  Proud of discovering faith, to be a stronger creature on this planet, in this existence

  Ashamed of shedding tears of guilt when you chose me as a victim

  Proud of seeing the truth, clearing the murky trance my mind was set in

  Ashamed of secrets kept within me, my internal being

  Proud of opening my heart to what this beautiful world has to offer

  Ashamed of the negative spell I let take a toll on me

  Proud of the positive energy that possessed me, brought me peace

• 2010-03-23

  

  iamacreation:

  dayum

  This would be… incredible.

  Source: bubbleteas

• 2010-03-22

  Samm

  i love you

  4:30pmAveree

  i love you, thank you for being a bitch

  :] it makes me feel better

  4:31pmSamm

  haha well, you need a reality check sometime! and i only am a bitch because i care.

  haha well, you need a reality check sometime! and i only am a bitch because i care.

  4:32pmAveree

  haha i know. what would i do w/o you? you’re the only one allowed to be a bitch to me. cauz when you’re a bitch, you’re actually right.

  4:33pmSamm is offline.

  4:33pmSamm

  i have no idea! hah i know, a lot of people don’t get that, but i just care and love you. if i didn’t care, i wouldn’t be a bitch(:

  4:35pmAveree

  hahaha true that! weeeeell, at least i get it. i expect you to be a bitch whenever i need a reality check. k? mkay! gawd we have such a weird friendship.

  4:36pmSamm

  hahaha well, good! yes, we do. but, it’s the best! we help eachother out.

  4:36pmAveree

  :]

• 2010-03-19

  Major: Literature

  Minor: Psychology

  :D

• →

  I fell in love at 14 years old. Naive. It was the definite first love relationship. Immature. Inexperienced. Learn about romance, intimacy, devotion, jealousy, trust, communication, sex,&the meaning of true relationships. On top of the world. Know it all. In reality, barely know anything. There is so much more out there, only to be lacking the knowledge of. I’m 17. I’m in love again. This time it’s different. This is secure, w goals, a future, realism, w the fireworks&all. This is REAL. This is actually happening. Younger, it was as if running away was the only answer. Now, it’s reaching the top the highest mountain. The biggest challenge. The serene view of what you’ve worked up to. Looking above, there are the stars, there are so many more possibilities. I can reach those too. Watch me build a rocket ship, I’ll make it to the moon. I can reach all the stars in the Milky Way. I’m this close to being 18. Did I age 10 years? You can ask me my age, yet my age is only the amount of time I’ve been in this existence. Wisdom is another chapter in this novel. Maturity, knowledge, inspiration, determination, perseverance, ambitiousness… I know what I want in this life. The future is unexpected. My goals may change, what won’t change is that I will always have more. Being in love will NOT change my career goals, any goal at that. Being in love only adds more to look forward to. The thought of having a family w her. Raising our children together. This is truly forever. This feeling, this LOVE.

• 2010-03-18

  

  loveyourchaos:

  decayable:(via iamtherain)

  Source: ohjasmine

• →

  

  Source: loveyourchaos

• 2010-03-16